If your tanks are empty you cannot help anyone and burnout is a very real risk.
Brene Brown wrote that “vulnerability is the birthplace of courage”. Society praises the ‘strength’ that women have, but that strength is built on faulty learning. We are taught (and we teach our children) to never show vulnerability and to serve and support and prioritize our partners, families, friends and bosses needs and how to deliver peak performance and excellence to anyone who demands of us and chooses our skill set or personal attention…
…and we serve because beneath all of that strength and service there is a desperate need for validation and recognition. We need to earn or justify our place in the world.
Our solution is to always do more, to try harder without taking anything in return… without filling our own tanks; and we are horrified when the years of self abuse and neglect lead to burnout and collapse.
We erode ourselves until we have nothing left but the purity of who we truly are underneath all of that “doing” and no one in our lives, including ourselves, recognizes us because we have built our lives on sacrifice and service without a moment of self love, self care or self support.
We have unconsciously built contracts with others that are based on how much we can do for them and how we can best fill the roles we perceive as our duty and obligation. Then when we need those people in return they are surprised and horrified because that was never the deal we setup.
As givers we attract takers because it fills our need to serve. And so we sit alone in our collapse and wonder why no one is there for us.
I wrote my story in a book I called Weird Shit because I had to look far and wide and embrace an entirely new personal philosophy to find a modicum of recovery from my collapse. My recovery is always underpinned by memories of how strong I was and what I used to be able to do which is a very long long way off from where I find myself now. I still, almost ten years later, haven’t quite put down that need to justify my existence. But my body now rules the roost and shuts me down if I do not take care of myself properly.
Let’s also acknowledge the men who are taught that they need to provide and support and defend and be the backbone of the family without showing emotion or vulnerability (archaic beliefs and stereotypes that could bear some scrutiny for sure) and who are burnt out and afraid too.
The wisest thing I ever wrote is:
Nothing is a problem, until it becomes a problem for you, and then change is inevitable.
We need to own our own roles in our breakdowns. Start with acknowledging the choices we made that got us there. The beliefs we adopted about our value or worth. Thats empowering. If we are looking outside of ourselves to others demands to explain our pain, how are we to be able to institute the changes necessary to support a new more balanced, healthy way of being. The only mandate we have is to change ourselves and our own thinking and behaviours.
Let’s teach our children to value themselves. Teach them that they are enough and that excellence can be achieved in the still moments between their big noisy achievements. Lets teach the value of compassion and quiet and stillness and reverence for self. Let’s slow it all down to incorporate rest and recovery time as a priority.
Let’s create a safe space for anyone we encounter who is holding way too much to just be able to rest and breathe and put their load down for a moment without telling them how to be and how to show up and how to fix themselves… let’s just be still and breathe together for a moment … we need it and we are worth it ❤️💚💜
As always, I offer you my understanding of things. I encourage you at all times to question and decide for yourself what you want to accept and onboard. I am always interested to hear your opinions and I encourage feedback. However, it is essential to understand this vital truth as we journey together:
We don’t have to agree on a single thing to be kind to one another.
So, disagree with me by all means, own your different perspective, but please remain respectful of other’s beliefs and journeys.
Treat yourself with EMpathy and EMbolden yourself to dream. EMerge from your learned way of being, allowing yourself to celebrate life as you EMbrace your full potential. EMancipate yourself from your limitations, EMpowering yourself to live with greater clarity and joy!
Until next time, be kind to one another and honor yourself as the unique and incredibly special soul that you are.
© Copyright 2020 – Janice Melmed
Janice Melmed 